At a certain age, everyone will understand this poor guy...
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures
and communicated with Face Book and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven
kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could
communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle
something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage
in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I
get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or
library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue
tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it
once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have
to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long
time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-cal-cu-lating"
You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could
barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell
me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a
right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name
of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same
tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I
still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once
and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking
bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me
up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking
confused but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"
I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's
their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
