You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona
where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away
because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your
butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one
direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican
food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable
to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot,
really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still
can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is
going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your
neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something
is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how
many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and
Drought.
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone
to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument
about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't
find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at
people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (if you have
a car)
You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with
less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still
winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South
where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the
same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is
plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob,
Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over
yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop
your $500 car ..
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola
on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or
dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you
still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but
the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition:
"Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any
exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
or You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some
kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent
dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in
the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be
driven by headless people.
