Dear Mr. President:

We are considering moving our family to Mexico, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderón, that we’re on our way over? Please let him know that we will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for the entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services we might need, whether we use them or not.

3. All Mexican government forms to be printed in English.

4. Our grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. All schools to include classes on American culture and history.

6. The American flag on one of the flag poles at our grandson’s school.

7. That the Mexican government will feed my grandson at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. A local Mexican driver's license so we can get easy access to government services.

9. That we will be able to drive in Mexico, but will not be required to purchase car insurance. Of course we shouldn’t feel obliged to make any special effort to learn local traffic laws either.

10. In case a Mexican police officer does not get the memo from their President to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. We plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U.S. flag decals on our car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. We do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. We would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business we may start.

13. Please have their President tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. We will want to be able to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, we'll expect free rent subsidies as well.

16. We'll need income tax credits so — although we don't pay Mexican taxes — we'll receive money from their government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican government pays us $4,500 to help us buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, we almost forgot, please enroll us both into the Mexican Social Security program without cost, so that we'll get a monthly income in retirement.

We are confident that these will be easy requests because they are things that you already do for his people who come to the U.S. We are sure that President Calderón won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!

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